Time and Tide wait for no man or woman for that matter

Ok, its official, well maybe not official, you know there was no big announcement and I didn't sign any legal documents but I'm getting old! yes that's right you heard it here first I the last one to be kicked out of the pub/club/party still dancing is getting old!

I made this shocking realisation last night. My best friend and I had arranged to go out for a bit of a catch up, we both have busy lives and don't get to see each other half as much as we should.

So the first sign of my impending old age actually went unnoticed by me at first but here it is...... Dare I say it? ......I swapped my beautiful wedges that I had put out to wear for a nice comfortable pair of flat pumps! I know, what is wrong with me!

So that going unnoticed we headed off, the fact that it was still daylight upon leaving should have been my second clue but it gets worse than that!

We ended up in fabulous little Turkish Restaurant where the food is great, the service is great, you know the kind that ticks all the boxes and we chatted and enjoyed our meal and only ordered one bottle of wine between us (another sign here me thinks!) and then we left and we didn't know what to do and my friend, my dear sweet usually exactly the same as me friend said " shall we just go back to yours and have a cup of tea" and I said YES!

but that's not all, do you want to know the worst of it? I can't believe I'm going to admit this but I looked at my watch and it was only 8.30! Seriously hanging me head in shame here, there was a time when she and I would only just be thinking about getting ready to go out at that time and more likely coming home at 8.30 am! oh how times have changed.

I did scare myself the other day when I saw a top in shop for ladies of a certain age and thought, that's quite nice, if only I'd seen the signs then.

So how does one mourn ones youth? Should I burn all those clothes that my daughters still want to borrow and buy some nice sensible skirts and sweaters? I just don't know what the correct etiquette is here? or to I just accept that all of us have to grow up at some time and just fancy that nice cup of tea?

But seriously dude heading home at 8.30!

Oh god just realised probably should stop saying dude and I'm guessing that twerking is really out of the question too!

EscarNO

So would you pay for someone to deposit slimy mucus all over your face?

Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm not talking about some weird fetish....although that could be a whole other post!

What I'm talking about is the latest anti-ageing 'beauty' treatment brought to us by those kind people of Japan ( have we not learnt anything from Japanese game shows about their idea of fun!) that involves letting live snails slither their way across your face, apparently their mucus has powerful anti-ageing properties thanks to highly beneficial proteins contained in snail mucus.

But before you all run out to your back gardens and grab the nearest snail, these are no ordinary snails that are used in these delightful sounding facials no these are organically fed snails that once used on a client are are allowed to rest for 4 days, you know to recuperate from the shock of slithering over a humans face!

I think I'd need four days to recover from a snail slithering its way around my face eurgh I'm just shuddering at the thought.

Seriously will we do anything in the name of not growing old and so called beauty? and what's stopping anyone getting snails from their garden and starting up in business... I have tons of them in my garden, anyone fancy a facial?

Or how about a bird poo facial (again from Japan, just saying) or a bull semen facial and hair mask... how and why was this discovered to be beneficial and how do they get the semen ( insert confused and disgusted face here!)



Seriously what would you do in the name of beauty?

It's that time again

It's that time of year again when my birthday is getting closer and I start to get that ' woe is me, what have done with my life, what am I doing with my life and oh god look at my saggy boobs!' moments!

I do feel like I should me more together, more sure of what I want and where I'm going, I'm a mother for Christ's sake but in honesty I still have the same teenage insecurities hidden well under an air of mature confidence, of course any of my friends reading this are probably wetting themselves laughing at the idea of 'mature me' but I said it and I'm sticking to it so there! And yes I am poking my tongue out!

I wake up some mornings and think, oh god you're 41 this year, you're edging your way closer to 50! You're getting old, what's next the menopause, becoming a grandparent, where will it end? Well with death obviously it's inevitable but then I just hyperventilate!

My body is is fighting against my mind where I'm still young and can still wear anything that takes my fancy , the reality is my bingo wings are so bad that if I commit the sin of wearing a sleeveless top, one strong gust of wind and I'll be gliding through the air without the need for a hand-glider, maybe people will think I'm some kind of super hero! My boobs are so saggy I may need some kind of mechanical hoist to get them back up where they belong! I contemplate an uplift but surgery scares me so what is a girl or middle aged lady to do?

But that's the thing isn't it you can choose to grow old gracefully accept the card that life has dealt you or you can fight the ravages of time and end up looking like this....

I know which I'll choose!


How about you, are you growing old gracefully or are you going to fight it every step of the way?

What about in your head, are you really as old as you feel?

I need a little Gok (not a euphamism!)

As those of you who read my blog regularly know I have had a few went completely insane little issues about turning 40 last year somewhat of a mini midlife crisis if you will!

I have now come to terms with my age, "oh no you haven't!" oh yes I have! Well almost! Anyway I digress but apart from the weird physical joys of turning 40 , random black hairs growing out of my chin(I'm naturally light brown, I think, it's been a long time, how am I supposed to remember! Anyway if anyone can explain that please do!), random white hairs in my eyebrows, at this rate I'm going to be one of those women with the almost cartoon looking drawn on eyebrows, perhaps I shall paint on a look of constant shock or perhaps one eyebrow jauntily raised (can one raise ones eyebrow jauntily?) can't you just picture it! In case you can't I was thinking something like this .....




Or perhaps this....

or even this......

Actually I have completely digressed from what I wanted to say, what I wanted to say is that lately I find myself strangely drawn to comfortable shoes and not just comfortable shoes, strangely coloured comfortable shoes, shoes with padding, comfortable insoles, arch support, someone help me quick I need a Gok Wan, Trinnie and suzannah style intervention, I know they're wrong but I can't help it, I look at them and I say those words (oh god, I can't believe I'm going to publicly admit this!) "ooh they look comfortable!" so far I've resisted the urge to buy them but I do own several pairs of Birkenstocks , what can I say they're comfortable! But is this the slippery slope? Will I start buying trousers with elasticated waists (well they are comfortable!) wearing jumpers that match absolutely nothing! And I can't believe I'm saying this ........pause for dramatic effect...... A short perm because it's so much easier to manage!! Where will it end .... A blue rinse!
 

So Gok if you're reading this help me now!