Crappy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday and I was feeling a little woeful, not at the thought of adding another year to my life but at the point I find myself at this point in my life, hence the title!

but I have been spoilt my my lovely children and I have decided to not think about all the bad stuff that's going on for me at the moment (or at least try!) and to just have a day of relaxation and self care!

And all I keep thinking about is this song that my dad would always sing on his birthday!

Blind Faith

I was out walking today as I do quite often and I passed a church and got to thinking about faith and religion and that blind faith that people have in a greater good/higher power insert Deity of choice here .................. and I realised I'm actually jealous of those that truly believe, that truly have faith.

I was raised by an atheist and a Cristian although she only went to church mainly at Easter, Christmas, weddings, funerals, christenings and the occasional Sunday.  I was christened and I had the most amazing Godparents who were there for me their entire lives and whom I miss dearly. I was sent to a church school but one of neither denomination of my parents (are there even atheist schools? what do they look like? or are they just the state school system in this country? anyway I digress) I was sent to  a catholic school that made us say a prayer at every given opportunity yet I never actually had that blind devoted faith, don't get me wrong I wanted it I tried so hard, I said my prayers, I really enjoyed religious education but I just couldn't say that I was a true believer.

How do you believe in something that you can't see, hear or touch?

The scientist is me I guess, always need that unequivocal proof.

But and here's the thing I love, I know its love I have blind faith in how much I love my children yet I can't see it, hear it or touch it, I just know it, so what is the difference?

Ah, but you can see them, hear them and touch them you'll probably say, its different, but is it?

Because the love, the love is something you just know and feel there is no physical thing no quantifiable measure you just feel it.

So here I am again trying to figure out why I can't find faith and trust me I am open to all religions! I just haven't had that I believe moment and what got me to thinking about this even more is that I have been going through some really tough times and I know so many that find comfort in their faith and in their church and to be honest I want that.

I thought about going to various Churches finding out more, a try before you buy if you will but I don't know, is that the way forward?

The thing is in times of need and crisis I find myself praying but is that faith or desperation?

So many questions but are there any answers?

I'd love your opinions on this

Life's a Beach

Today we headed to the beach for a little fun in the sun or to be more precise 23 of us headed to the beach to celebrate my beautiful niece turning 15.

As is usual with my lot we were fashionably late and the last ones to arrive but we got there just as the sea has reached high tide and with picturesque blue skies it was really something out of a summer beach movie until you throw a family picnic of 23 into the equation! I was worried that the beach might be busy and we might not spot everyone else.... oh foolish me! as we reached the top of the sand dune leading down to the beach how could I not spot them! normal families go to the beach and take up the space of say a picnic blanket and a few towels, mine took up what seemed like the whole beach!

It has been a fabulous day with many laughs, great food, wine, games and did I mention wine!

walking to the beach from the car one of daughter's was carrying 2 quite heavy bags so I said to her do you want me to take one of those to which one of my other daughters responded "no leave her she's working on her biceps" to which the daughter carrying the bags replied "eurgh why would I do that I can lift a goat!" errr what the ????? after I stopped laughing at her scale of judging strength and fitness I thought yes I suppose given that she's at college studying to work with animals it could make sense.

Later that same daughter was snapped in a photograph looking at her armpits when asked what on earth she was doing she said "checking my armpit hair on a scale of 1-French" (no offence is meant by that to any French readers trust me she couldn't or wouldn't offend anyone, well not on purpose at least!)

And no day at the beach would be complete with the obligatory digging of a hole now most kids start digging and pretty soon give up not our lot! theirs was over 4 feet deep, hit water and could fit 3 of them in before the cave-in incident which then turned the hole into lets see how many of us we can bury up to our necks and see if they can escape...aahhh...fun for all the family!

But as I sat there watching them and Laughing at these kids all playing together aged from 4 to 19 and all laughing and having fun I realsied that life might be a bit difficult at the moment and I might be struggling far more than I would like, actually who likes to struggle? but you know what I mean! anyway I realised I am blessed in so many ways!

Another one of those days

My post today is me having yet another rant, get all of this crap off my chest so I can hopefully move on with my day and make it better. I did try ranting and letting it all out to the dog but he just looked at me with that sideways kind of look probably thinking just feed me and walk me will you woman! so unfortunately for anyone reading this you're going to get it! don't blame me blame the dog!

So I woke up this morning to find that I hadn't been paid, always a good way to start the day so I now have to try and sort that out and just to make things worse I'm broke, flat broke, with bills to pay thanks to a great number of changes in my life all I have coming in is my income from part-time work and some benefits and today was supposed to be my final pay for my little but rewarding part time work and I now have to figure out and face the challenge and humiliation of signing on!

I have been desperately searching my a job that will fit round college, my placement and actually getting to see my little daughter but its nigh on impossible and apparently our present government though quick to blame the parents if a child turns out bad doesn't actually want us to raise our own children they would prefer a failing school system, after school clubs and child minders to do that and the bitter irony here is that my little part time work has been facilitating a parenting programme where many of the children are actually having issues from lack of quality time with their parents because in many cases parents have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet and it is the poor children that get lost in the cracks!!! deep breath Emma! this seriously makes my blood boil not to mention the fact that I want to cry!

I have until late June before I finish my course and hopefully pass my exams and get my Diploma but apparently this government doesn't want you to better yourself and open yourself up to a higher paid job market, no it wants you to be available to work at all times in order to receive any benefits! where is the sense in that? quite frankly I really REALLY don't want to go and sign on but I have no choice if I want to feed my children so with heavy heart unless someone offers me a job that fits in around college I have to and this is making me thoroughly miserable.

We think society has evolved but the reality is it hasn't you cannot be a single parent and want to better yourself without something or more importantly someone suffering, now I'm not saying the benefits system should be easy and a free for all but if you are trying your hardest to make a better life for yourself and your family shouldn't that be encouraged and supported not made virtually impossible?

So on that note I feel a little better for getting it all off my chest and if anyone out there would like to offer my a job that supports my future I will happily turn my hand to almost anything!

Just a little rant on a Monday Morning

So on my return to blogging it would appear that my creative juices have run dry having filled my head for the past year with psychotherapy, attachment and human behaviour it would seem like although I want to write I'm unable to come up with something so what I am going to talk to you about is Poop! I know, way to raise the intellectual bar round here but that's my topic Poop! in particular dog poop!

I was walking the dog this morning and I was absolutely amazed and disgusted by how much dog poo there was in our local park seriously what is wrong with some dog owners I am actually starting to think that I am the only person in the whole of Peckham who cleans up after their dog either that or there is one dog who really needs to be seen by a vet and one owner who doesn't know that in fact you legally have to clean up after your dog and actually its disgusting for us humans that walk their dogs with their children to A. have to dodge the poo and B. have to stop their dogs potentially eating another dogs poo or rolling around on the spot of grass where said anonymous dog has pooed and please don't get me started on the amount of chicken bones that I have to drag forcibly from dogs mouth. People of Peckham if you must eat your chicken and chips walking along then please have the decency to throw your food waste in the bin! not only do you encourage rats you make poor people like me have to wrestle their dog to stop it choking or doing even worse damage.

My fun walks with my little one and pooch have turned into an obstacle course that the toughest of military would be proud of! So people when you see a mad woman and child leaping and zig zagging their way through the park and then said mad woman straddling a dog to retrieve a chicken bone lodged in its jaw try to remember ...... be a responsible dog owner and clean up the poo and if you must eat chicken and chips when you finish ..... use a bin!

Rant over, as you were!

and hopefully I'll be back with something a bit more fun than poo!

The wanderer returns! otherwise known as its actually quiet in my house for five minutes and I've been meaning to do this for months

Since last year when I decided to return to education my life has been unimaginably busy, in fact when I think about it I don't know how I've managed it so far, so pat on the back to me! but the one thing that suffered because my hectic lifestyle was my poor blog which not only I'm sure is sad for my tens of thousands of followers(well 10 in reality but you know no harm in wishful thinking) but its actually really sad for me.

I logged in this morning and saw that I haven't posted anything since the very beginning of the year and I feel like I should catch you all up but the reality is its been filled with work, college, study, placement, kids, writing many many assignments, trying to organise childcare and actually spend time with said children! not necessarily in that order!

But doing anything for me has come right at the bottom of that great big long list so on top of all of the above as I embark upon my 2nd year of my diploma I am going to try and get some me and my blog time, you may enjoy reading it or more likely no one else will read it unless they stumble across it searching for Jesse Williams(apparently its how most people come across my blog) in which case welcome and please do come back I am going to do my best to write more often and some may even be interesting and funny! you never know! but I'm doing it for me like I said when I first started it's a place to express all the mad ramblings and little bit of crazy that goes on in my head!

Oh and we have a new dog!

Got to throw in one random catch up thing haven't I?